Anger and Love

 

Photo by Mark: https://www.pexels.com/photo/black-kettle-beside-condiment-shakers-and-green-fruits-and-plants-on-tray-on-brown-wooden-table-1080696/

It is 31 August counting a full 2 month of me living in my home again in my hometown. My longest time to reflect and rest after 3 years of me hustle in the capital city. Starting it with a short holiday at dieng, it brought much lesson for me during the stay. I believe nothing in the world comparable with love and sincerity. Since then, I am learning it the way I stay at home. 

Nadin says "Semua aku dirayakan" by kissing the anger and every madness appear. I am struggling to believe and convince about the love I am receiving as there are too much anger in my life. The egos of dearest people, the harsh talk from the closest one, the ignorance and passiveness of people I live with, put me in a situation to cry, and angry all the time. The feeling of me that thought that home is just an imagination, a comfort is something that too big for me too ask. No one kiss my anger. Noone kiss others' anger. There is no love in every anger, it is just egos and people just follow theirs. 

Sincerity and the purest love is a rare jewels. The more I believe that nothing comparable with Allah's love. Parents and closest one's are sometimes pure, sometimes containing ego, sometimes ignorance. While parents' and family love is not perfect, but it was a lesson that life is not perfect either. The combination and mixture that always gives people the possibility to learn. be patients and hold their ego back. Ego, the starting point of a love destruction, the point while connection lost and the beginning of Allah anger. 

It is hard for me to hold back my ego and anger. The trauma I have been living with since kids, make it worse. I think it is me that hold the most correct people in home. I think it is me that having the purest love, highest dignity and the absolute answer. However, It is just all wrong. To be aware that it was wrong, need time to cry and silent. To think what is wrong with myself and the family I live with. The choice and answer comes from Allah, that it is time for me to get backk again to Allah and reconnect with the sick heart of mine. 

The sickness have only one potion to heal. To forgive, after a harsh talk, after a fight, after a bad word, after an insult, after a undesirable events, after a sloth, after a disorganized activity, and all in all after all of the imperfect activity a human do. It is just human do their job. It is just a human that need a forgiveness. And here I am, a human too that need to forgive and accept sincerely by decreasing ego and start with forgiving myself. A long life learning of ego. A learning lesson that will never stop by meeting more and more people with different character. All in all, I need to forgive and grateful everyday. All in all, I also need confidence that I can be forgiven too. Here I am a 2 month of learning how to control it, and maybe have a slight differences of improvement by learning in this site, in a place called home.